Help Readers Get Through Your Proposal: Part Two
By Dan Safford

The English language is rich with subtlety and nuance. One of the best ways to guide the reader to your way of thinking is to use words with lots of connotative value—words that evoke a more emotional response.

Before you read any more of this article, STOP and read the sample below (an excerpt from a proposal to design an accommodations vessel—a floating barracks—for the Navy).

This passage seems at first glance to be a simple recitation of the facts. Yet, can you tell if the writer favors any one of the alternatives over the others?

You probably will say that the writer favors alternative C. And that would be correct; he did favor that option. However, nowhere in those two paragraphs does it say “We favor alternative C.” But you still come away with that feeling. The reason is in the words the writer chose, and the careful way he structured the sentences. Here are some general rules he followed.

Use high impact words. All words are not created equal; some have much more emotional impact than others. When you use words like “awkward location” you trigger a negative response in the reader. The word awkward is loaded with it. No one wants a solution to their problem that results in awkwardness.

The same holds true for the word “inconvenient” (“. . .makes it inconvenient to access the controls. “) Would the Navy want to buy a design that makes it inconvenient for the sailors to do their work? Hardly.

The writer uses other loaded words. What do the words “specialized equipment” suggest to you? Probably higher costs (anything that is specialized will likely cost more). And he tells us that this equipment will not just increase costs, but significantly increase them. Another loaded word.

Now on to alternative C. This alternative on the other hand (a direct reference to the negatives the other two alternatives have) produces a net gain (more loaded words) in crew capacity. Also, note that the equipment will be located in a central location (not stuck somewhere on the periphery) which makes it easily accessed. Plus, this alternative makes the most of existing ducting and conduit; no need to throw out the old stuff and buy new hardware. In fact, this approach minimizes replacement costs overall. All of these are positives, expressed in words with positive meanings.

Structure your sentences for greater impact. Alternative A does in fact yield a benefit (increases crew accommodation capacity) BUT at a high cost (a 23% reduction in space for systems equipment). This cost is something the Navy has to decide it wants to pay.

We are influenced not only by words, but how they appear in sentences. When you hear a sentence that begins with a positive (“You have a great idea here”) you often expect it to end on a negative (“but we can’t afford to implement it.”) The writer played on that expectation in his description of what alternatives A and B offered the client.

You can apply the same techniques as this writer did to give your proposal sections more persuasive punch. Remember, it’s not just the words; it’s how you use them.